How Did You Die?
The below is the second in a series of essays I’ll be writing about values-based leadership. I aim to explore the complexities and nuances of leadership through a deeply personal lens. Drawing from my own experiences and struggles, I’ll explore the challenges of self-doubt, the pursuit of purpose, and the importance of staying true to one’s values even when the path is unclear. Readers can expect an honest, raw, and reflective journey that not only addresses the triumphs of leadership but also the often-overlooked internal battles that shape our character. This is more than just a leadership series — it’s a conversation about what it means to lead with authenticity and heart.
Imagine a table. An infinitely long dinner table in the middle of a dark, spacious room. Candles flicker against the walls, the air heavy with tension. You are sitting at the head of the table, and surrounding you, at each seat, there’s a different part of you: your values, your fears, your anxieties, your desires.
Here sits acceptance and he looks at you disapprovingly. There sits justice and she seems to be judging everything you do. Here sits doubt, his presence alone making you question everything. Every time you look away, he leans in just a little closer, whispering to you those familiar, nagging thoughts you try so hard to push aside.
There sits hope, she sits closest to you. When doubt stares you down, hope doesn’t flinch — she gently places a hand on your shoulder, grounding you. Her eyes are bright, filled with quiet confidence, reflecting all the possibilities you sometimes forget are there.
Down at the end of the table is courage. You can barely make her out because the table is so long. But, she sometimes changes seats with the others. Not all the time of course. Just sometimes. And when she does move seats, she moves closer to you, towards the head of the table.
Skulking underneath, crawling around like a wolf looking for scraps, is envy. He runs with a pack of others: hypocrisy, apathy, vanity, laziness.
This scene serves as a powerful metaphor for values-based leadership. At that infinitely long table, where each seat is occupied by a different aspect of yourself, you are at the head, trying to navigate it all. Managing the interplay between the parts of yourself that guide you toward the person you aspire to be is the foundation of all leadership.
It is a constant negotiation within yourself, balancing the voices that encourage you to stay true to your principles with those that tempt you to stray. It is about acknowledging the presence of all these parts of yourself, but choosing every day to listen to the voices that are most important to you.
Even when the room is dark and the path is uncertain.
Discovery
In practical terms, and most important to the process of developing into a better leader, we have to start with discovering what our values actually are, and which ones rank higher than others. Most of us think we know. I assure you we don’t. I still struggle with understanding where one value stops and another starts, when should I pay attention to this one and disregard that one. If my boss tells me to do something, but that conflicts with my personal values, do I sacrifice my values to hers? What if my choice causes me to lose my job? How will I support myself and my family? Maybe it’s easier to just go along with her?
We can’t answer any of those questions (and countless others) unless we know what our values are, and which are most important to us. So let’s start talking about how we discover what our values are. Today, we’ll only focus on naming our core values. We’ll cover how to prioritize and define them in a future, separate essay. I’ll be borrowing from an Harvard Business Review article here, but there are other ways to go about discovering your core values.
There’s nothing really complicated here. Values are simply those things that are important to us. Things like career, comfort, freedom, friends, health, etc. What I’d like you to do is jot them down. And don’t worry about defining them yet. “Comfort” for you may be completely different from “comfort” for me. Doesn’t matter. If comfort is important, just write it down. And don’t worry too much about being exhaustive with your list; however, do spend some time thinking about the things that are most important to you.
My values, in no ranked order, are: family, fairness, thoughtfulness, contentment, honesty, education, dependability, justice, openness, grit, and understanding.
Generally, we don’t run into too many problems discovering our values. We run into challenges when we start to prioritize which are most important to us. What happens when we find ourselves in situations that require us to choose between values? How do we balance family and career? How do we balance justice and health? This sounds impractical and simply a thought exercise. It isn’t. At all. In fact, it is this prioritization that enables us to live the life we want, as a leader or not. It is what separates a happy, fulfilled life from one that isn’t.
Like many of you, I’ve experienced death. And like you, I have been at the side of the bed when those close to me have passed away. I’ve also been at the side of the bed with complete strangers. It is an experience I would wish on no one, but it has given me some insight into what people say when they are dying, what people feel, in some cases minutes away from death.
No one talks about work. No one talks about meetings or arguments or petty office politics. Most folks want reassurance. They want to know that they have made a difference in the world, that they are loved, that they were kind and helpful to others. That their life had meaning. Meaning. That is the key word here. Meaning. Living life means choosing which values are important to you and then choosing one over another in order to live a life of meaning. Of principle. Of fulfillment.
So you may be wondering what this has to do with leadership? Everything. It has everything to do with being a good leader. You see, when you are comfortable in your own skin, when you know what you are about, what you stand for, and how to make decisions about when and when not to push for one value over another, you start to exhibit the traits of good leaders: decisiveness, fairness, transparency, caring, etc. It is a natural outcome. People who understand their values and can reason through them are — by definition — good leaders.
Next time, we’ll talk about how to prioritize our values. In the meantime, jot your values down and if you’re up for it, I’d love for you to share them. Talking about your values tends to make them stick :)
Cheers!
